Want to make your office bash go with a swing? Just ask the TUC

Want to make your office bash go with a swing? Just ask the TUC. Their recent advice is guaranteed to put the “no” in N? Avoid balloons where possible (latex allergies) and be wary of Christmas trees (over 1,000 injuries in 2002). Workers are also advised not to photocopy bums or breasts (risk of broken glass). Sorting out the proposed Tube strike on Christmas Eve might have been more helpful 9 grottos mothballed… In response to child-abuse fears, the St Eli shopping centre in Llanelli has installed closed-circuit TV cameras In Santa’s grotto.

Can it be long before Santas demand danger money? For 40 years, Father Christmas was a universally loved figure in Alloa, Clackmannanshire. “Santa toured around every single street saying hello to all the kids,” says Mike Mulraney of the town’s Round Table. “Every door was knocked and every child in Clackmannanshire got a visit from Santa.” Then the abuse began. “As time went on, the situation changed from the odd egg being thrown to two years ago, when stones and bottles were thrown and there were threats of a physical nature.” In 2003, the parade was cancelled. This month’s attempt to bring the world’s largest number of Santas together – 4,000 – for a fun run in Newtown, Powys, ended in a street brawl. Police used CS gas to break up a fracas involving around more than a dozen men.

“Many of those involved were still wearing their Santa outfits. It’s the kind of behaviour that gives a well-organised event a bad name,” said one officer His name? PC Slaymaker 11 chavs chucking… “On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me,” he booms. But instead of pipers piping, his list goes like this…
12 Santas fighting…

The wind caresses the arctic wastes, sneaks under the wood-cabin door and up Santa’s robes He feels every day of his age today In the mirror his beard looks greyer The rheumy eyes have lost their sparkle. For the first time ever, he contemplates his deliveries as a duty rather than a delight. The thought of fighting his way through the reindeer-rights protesters and past his little helpers waving placards about their “Scrooge-like” boss dampens his spirits like a layer of sleet It is hardly his fault the office party was cancelled. Since that incident between two elves on the photocopier, his public liability cover has gone through the roof. No more joggling children on your knee, his lawyer says: too big an insurance risk And lay off the mince pies and sherry, adds his doctor.