In the evenings my girlfriend and I never curled up in front of the television and I’d never touch her or

“In the evenings my girlfriend and I never curled up in front of the television and I’d never touch her or kiss in public. I’d hug her if she was upset, but I never really knew how to comfort her I simply didn’t know how to be close. I’d had no example from my parents – their relationship seemed to work without openly displaying affection, so I suppose subconsciously I didn’t see any need to be different.”"The family is the first social group we ever belong to,” says Dr Christopher Clulow, director of the Tavistock Marital Studies Institute, “and many of the assumptions and preconceptions we have about relationships have their roots in infancy and childhood, when we learn from the people in that group. From interaction with our parents we learn whether people are reliable, whether we can confide in them, whether they are interested in us – and countless other observations which then form a blueprint which we tend to rely on to help negotiate relationships later in life.”In terms of genetics, it is impossible not to reproduce some aspects of our parental relationship, but often problems can arise if there was a perceived imbalance in the interaction between parents, an unresolved problem that is carried over into the new relationship.

All too often this is where relationships stumble, where women are denounced as irrational and men as unfeeling. In our own minds we are ensuring that we do not undergo the same humiliation or embarrassment that we watched one parent go through at the hands of the other; in reality the situation is unlikely to recur, as both partners are different people.”I have destroyed relationships by being unable to deal with criticism or any form of mockery – however jokey,” admits Alice Carlisle, who almost split up with her boyfriend after a series of huge rows.”It took me years before I realised that I was determined not to fall into the same role as my mum. Dad always had the upper hand in their relationship, always putting her down a bit in public, or making jokes at her expense. When Jon, my boyfriend, made a quip about me, I’d go ballistic and hurl all sorts of dreadful insults at him. Any form of criticism, or joke at my expense, and I would completely lose my temper.”"Whatever children have become sensitised to in their parents’ marriage will instantly be inflammatory in their own relationship,” says Dr Clulow, “and this is a particular problem when people reinvent the parental relationship with their own partner. In this way, the anger and resentment felt towards the parent are actually directed towards the innocent partner – and this can cause serious problems.”"After a particularly bad row we sat and talked for hours and I realised that most of the anger I was venting at John was actually anger at my dad for being so mean to my mum,” says Alice “But I also felt let down by Jon.

When I first met him he seemed incredibly kind and gentle and I was very attracted to that. Discovering that he could also be a bit sarcastic was a real shock to the system.”"Often people are attracted to others who seem to offer what was missing from the parental relationship – in this case, kindness,” says Judy Cunnington. “For the first few months – the honeymoon period – all the focus is on the positive characteristics that will insure there is no repeat of the troubles perceived in the parental relationship. But when it becomes apparent that there are sides to this new person that aren’t all positive, unresolved differences can appear again and start to cause trouble.”The inherent problem with a relationship is that both people come from a different background – a particular culture – and as such the relationship we enter into is cross-cultural.