actually clever imitations and brought to life by the Electronic Aquarium Powered by batteries not

actually clever imitations and brought to life by the Electronic Aquarium Powered by batteries (not included) … pounds 39.95.” Just fancy that! Next week: your own personal Geiger counter.LASTLY, you have been wondering about the bit of sticking plaster firmly affixing the Captain’s spectacles to his head. But, “best of all, there’s no need to feed them or change their water, and you can go on holiday without worrying! That’s because .. these agile fish are … Shame! My agent present concluded that the masterplan must be for Prof Haseler to bore the Windsors into abdication and oblivion.

But, thank the blessed memory of Charles the Martyr, there are some organs that remain vigilant to the threat posed by these desperate men: the dinner was doorstepped by uninvited, flashbulb-popping photographers despatched by the outraged editors of the Sunday Times and the Observer (good to see that this erstwhile radical newspaper is on our side, subjects!). Finally, this week’s “Hasn’t The Poor Man Suffered Enough” slot is provided by Mr Olley of Maidstone, who points out that The Prince’s Youth Business Trust is housed in that pioneering cinematic building in Regent’s Park known as the Diorama.n THAT picture down there? The Captain has discovered this great new mail-order catalogue, Modern Originals, of Liverpool. And what I’m featuring here, my friends, is “all the pleasure of an aquarium without the fuss”. It has multicoloured fish, constantly on the move, which “will keep you absorbed throughout the day”. Did you notice, too, that American men find their dogs more helpful in dealing with stress than their wives?n THE Captain receives a message from Mr Edward Poultney, Head of Special Editorial Services, Newspaper Publishing, parent company of this newspaper. It reads as follows: “Why did the hedgehog cross the road? Because it wanted to see its flatmate.” Thank you, Mr Poultney.LOYAL Subjects of the Crown! This is Captain Moonlight’s Safe Haven, established in the teeth of the rampant republicanism which otherwise infests this newspaper! Viscount Stansgate for President, indeed! I should like to tell you that both the Duke of Kent and Princess Margaret are customers of Mr Pink.

Next, you should know that on Thursday evening, in an upper room at L’Etoile restaurant, Soho, there took place a meeting of a shadowy group dedicated to the overthrow of our monarchy. The diners included that republican blowhard, Prof Stephen Haseler, the Labour MP Denis McShane, and, yes, The Editor of this newspaper. I also append pictures of both Ms Moss and Ingrid to show you what she means. Ingrid writes: “Pah! What this girl needs is regular helpings of algbullar with dumplings” Captain’s Translation: algbullar is, in fact, elk balls. So I was delighted to see that market traders in Horsham have been banned from shouting about their bananas because it is disturbing counsellors “trying to build a rapport” with their clients at the nearby Horsham Therapy Centre.

But, equally, I was most concerned to see that Kate Moss, the supermodel from Croydon, had to miss an appearance “at a top Italian fashion show” last week A doctor diagnosed “extreme stress”. You should have heard the man we put off at Motherwell’.” I thank Ms Tributable for a most interesting anecdote and replace the receiver, wondering at the sheer variety of parliamentary life.STRESS Watch: readers will know that the Captain takes a keen interest in counselling, and, indeed, would have only half my pips if it were not for the attentions of my personal stress counsellor, Ingrid, who is Swedish. Mr Douch of Wellingborough says that Tunbridge Wells joins Rome and Sheffield in being built on seven hills Pink vouchers all round! And now for a competition. Next!n BRRNNGG! The telephone shrills in its attention-seeking way. On the line, Ms Una Tributable, my parliamentary correspondent “Captain,” she shouts “William McKelvey, Labour, Kilmarnock and Loudoun On the train to Scotland Sleeper Asks the attendant to wake him at Motherwell Wakes up to find train stationary, silent In Glasgow Berates attendant in most fearful manner Quite probable that colourful language was used Attendant replies: ‘You think you’re upset.